Does anyone else get confused when they walk out of a shop and the sign says they're closed...?30/6/2014 I don't need you to tell me that I'm lost. I know that I'm lost. I need to find out where I am, what I am doing and sometimes what month it is.
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I haven't been able to get a diagnosis of manic/depressive all because of my split personality.30/6/2014 Doesn't 'paying' a compliment intimate a transaction of some kind- like you are only getting a compliment in return for something you've done. Shouldn't compliments be altruistic? Isn't giving a compliment its own reward?
We have contacted the plant hire centre. They have advised that they would be willing to sell current plants on average for around $40 to $50 depending on the plant. Some of the larger plants are valued approx. $100 so there is an opportunity to buy these at a bargain price. On average the cost of a $50 plant would be between $2 and $4 per staff member depending on team sizes. We need to act quickly though as the plants are due to be collected very soon. Please canvass your teams to about this opportunity and let me know by end of business Friday 27/06/2014.
If we are wanting to purchase any of the plants we need to mark which ones we would like to keep and they will make a cash purchase arrangement with us. Thanks and cheers. FROM THE DOWN TO EARTH TEAM-(DTET) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Team, What in the heck are we gonna do with a plant? And don’t say plant it because I know plants get planted, it’s in the title. What kind of plant is it? For $50 is it an hallucinogenic? Where will it be planted? Who will plant it? Will I need to talk to the plant? Will it talk back? Did we decide if it’s an hallucinogenic? How big is a large plant? Aren’t large plants generally in the ground already? If not, why not ? Who will relocate this large discombobulated plant? Will a wheelbarrow be involved? Does anybody want to have a wheelbarrow race with me? If not, why not? What do you have against wheelbarrow races? Don’t you like fun? Why don’t you like fun? Is it possible you have depression? Did you know wheelbarrow races stimulate endorphins which reduce depression? Are you depressed because you are anxious that I will beat you at a wheelbarrow race? Is your anxiety comorbid with your depression? Did you know talking with someone about your problems can reduce anxiety? Is a problem shared a problem halved, or does misery love company? Will talking to the plant help? Did we decide if the plant will talk back? What should I do if the plant talks back? If it tells me to light fires I should ignore it, but what if it reminds me that it’s bin night? Should I put my bins out? Am I capitulating to insanity if I put my bins out? Did we decide if the plant is an hallucinogenic? Thanks, Louie I told a mate of the above heading and he liked it enough to say "Order my shirt, right away."
And I said "Get gone from us yon blouse, I commandeth thee!" He was less impressed with that. “You’ve stopped snoring.” Oh fuck me! Snoring?
It’s a girl’s voice. What do I do? Roll over? Sit up? What am I, a puppy? “While you’re panicking at what the appropriate thing to do is, can I have my arm back? I can’t feel my fingers.” “Sure. Ah… there you go.” I roll over and watch the pale blur sit up and shake out her arm. “How you feelin’?” “Bit seedy…” I have no idea who this person is. “You?” “I’m fine.” She yawns. “I could do with a coffee.” “Actually, that sounds great.” Am I seeing blurry nipples? I think she might be topless. Ah… she’s pulling on a button up shirt. That would confirm that then. Blurry nipples aren’t as awesome as regular nipples, but way better than no nipples at all. She’s done up the bottom two buttons. “Can I ask you to hold off on doing that up until after I put on my glasses?” “You wear glasses?” “I… ahh…” “I’m just messing with you. You left them up at the house, so I’m gonna go with a ‘no’ on the pervy request.” She continues to do up buttons. “Right.” It was worth a shot. “And the house would be- where?” “Wow.” “And I have said something dumb.” “No. You haven’t said anything dumb, I was just unaware of your level of blindness.” “I couldn’t even see your boobs.” “Boy, did you ever miss out. Daddy says I’ve got the best tits he’s ever seen.” “Uh...” “It’s a joke.” “I can’t see your expression to gauge that sort of thing, but sure, Virginia Andrews humour in the morning is never weird.” “What kind of a guy knows V.C. Andrews to reference?” “What kind of anybody!?” “Not really an answer, but we can move on if that’s what you were hoping for…” “So, where is the house?” “Turn full around and look down.” I stand up and do so. “I see two parallel dirt tracks.” “Follow them up with your eyes.” I hear her give a little groan as she follows me up into standing-land. “Gotcha.” Oh. “I see… That big blur is the house.” “Give me a few seconds and I’ll walk you there, Blind Freddy.” “That would be marvellous.” This could be my opportunity to segue into learning her name. “And you would be Blind…” “Drunk. Actually I don’t really drink, it messes with my anti-psychotics.” Alarm bells are ringing. It must show. “I’m messing with you. I like that you can’t see my face, but that I can see yours. It gives me a great fucking-with-you advantage.” “Fantastic.” People think that I'm negative. I disagree. (See what I did there?)
Think of it like this: People think that you're paranoid if you think that the person in front of you is following you, but if that person in front of you is somehow following you, then you're not paranoid at all. It's the same with negativity. If in any given situation the worst can happen and you're off in Pollyanna-land, you'll be sideswiped if 'n' when the inevitable inevits, because you won't be prepared for the worst. I'm not negative, I'm emotionally prepared. Separately to all of that I'm a really positive person, I'm just not a deluded cow mooing blissfully as I meander up the abattoir cattle-run. Rather than thinking positive and being disappointed when something goes badly, I'm emotionally prepared and pleasantly surprised on a regular basis. Now, that's positivity in action. “How are you?” The noggin works quickly to form a response. Working quickly, one would suggest would be to my benefit, but my brain regularly works quickly in what many would suggest is the wrong direction/s. How am I? That’s an extremely complicated question. On what level? On a cosmological level? A biological, philosophical or physical level?
“How am I?” ‘I am’ because our planet coalesced the right distance from the sun, so when frozen elements floating aimlessly in space billions of years older than the Earth itself crashed into the planet, water was able to exist in its three forms of solid, liquid and gas. This allowed for thermodynamics to assist in providing the right conditions for life to exist on the planet. The seas were originally a turgid soupy mess which in all likelihood gave birth to single cell organisms which evolved into all manner of different creatures and plants, some of which, like blue green algae, sucked in an abundance of carbon dioxide and excreted oxygen as a bi-product. Temperatures and oxygen levels waxed and waned like the Moon (two of which were created millions of years prior as a result of a Mars sized planet crashing into the Earth, the larger eventually absorbing the smaller) until one day (or more likely, a night) a fishy character crawled from the ocean onto land. Evolution already rampant in the water then starts a-dry, a tiny minority evolving eventually into hominid creatures that start an ‘I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine’ pack mentality (which eventually becomes the basis of modern morals) and begin using basic tools and language. They build tribes and shelter. They explore and expand. They create empires. They have religion. They have wars. They have the bronze age. They have wars. They industrialise. They have wars. They computerise. They have wars. A man and a woman have a baby an unimportant number of years ago. It grows into a boy. It learns. It grows into a man. It learns. It develops a brain that works quickly, which you think would be to its benefit, except that the brain works quickly in what many would suggest is always the wrong direction/s and that's how I am. As far as I'm concerned, any excuse for the consenting physical expression of love between two people is a good one. Unfortunately my significant other can be prickly in the mornings, and her wit is even sharper than her prickles.
My 'any excuse' was the fact it was 'Hump Day'... I whisper in my sexiest voice, possibly the least sexy thing I've ever said, "Honey, it's Hump Day..." She doesn't stir. Doesn't even open her eyes- and purrs "Then it's a shame you're no camel." |
About the authorLouie is not as smart as he is tall, less sensible than he is bearded, and as green as he is blue. Archives
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