It must have surprised him when the storm blew the door shut behind me. My hands were full- pushing an upright vac with one, and carrying a bucket full of cleaning products in the other. At first I thought he was a trick of my mind, because there’s something eerie-weird about empty churches, but there he was, as real as the darkened stained glass windows surrounding us. He sat back down in a pew near the middle of the aisle. There were a few down-lights, so I could see him clear enough.
I left the vacuum cleaner by the door and walked over. “Mind if I clean?”
“You’re not frightened?”
“Nah, I’ve cleaned before.”
“I mean of me.”
“I know what you mean.” I thought he’d be smarter. “What’s going on? Not on you’re A game.”
“I’ve been distracted lately. Tired.”
“Yeah?” He looked pale under his brown hair, his eyes all the bluer because of the dark rings that surrounded them.
“I’m homesick.”
“So, go home.”
“Can’t. He won’t let me.”
“Oh. Which one are you? Lucifer, Satan… Beelzebub?” I’m not sure on the hierarchy. “Aren’t you kind of a big deal down there? Can’t you just pull rank?”
“Hell isn’t home. Doesn’t exist anyway. Hell and Earth are one and the same.”
“No Hell?”
“Well… One and the same... Hell is being outside the favour of the ‘Almighty One’.”
“Sounded a bit like sarcasm.”
“Mmm… there’s some unresolved tension.”
“But you are the Devil.”
“As much as anybody can be.”
“So, anybody can be?”
“Not really, no.” He shifted in his seat, putting his feet up on the pew in front of him and then back on the wooden floor. “I miss Heaven.”
“If it helps, which it probably won’t, I once heard a wise woman say, ‘They say in Heaven, love comes first. We’ll make heaven a place on Earth.’”
“To paraphrase another wise woman, ‘Heaven; must be there’ ‘I don’t wanna live in this place’.”
“Touché.” I put the bucket of cleaning products on the floor. “Can’t you just talk to God? Ask forgiveness of him?”
“No. He’s still pissed. I reckon it’s coz he knows I’m right.”
I pointed at the pew across from him. “You mind?”
“You have free will.”
I sat. “Was what you did so bad?”
“I thought he was making some bad choices and, you know, him being omnipotent, he wouldn’t listen. We spent a lot of time arguing, so much so that he stopped listening to me. He started surrounding himself with a little mutual adoration
clique. I even submitted a petition with a heap of signatures to try and gain an audience with him, but he kept ignoring me. It was plain that he was making some devastatingly poor choices, and to put it bluntly, I thought I could do better. Eventually, I led a rebellion against him."
“That’s a pretty ballsy move, going up against God.”
“I thought I had cause. Have you read the bible?”
“Yeah. I heard it was a third of heaven that had your back. That’s a significant number prepared to stick up for you.”
“I had charisma. What the bible doesn’t mention was that another third supported me, but were too frightened to cross him.”
“Two thirds of heaven didn’t like the management.”
“Yep. That’s the size of it.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of superintelligent beings thinking God isn’t mustard cutting.”
“I don’t know about superintelligent. They’re no smarter than you. Just older. A lot of wisdom is gained with age. Some get wise, others… they get arrogant.”
“Seems like the bible has been a bit loose with the truth."
“History is written by the victor.”
“Well, you aren’t at all like how you’ve been portrayed.”
“Cloven feet and horns?”
“Yeah.”
He glances at his feet. “Ever seen a goat walk on hind legs?”
“No.”
“Coz it’s impossible. Ridiculous the shit that people will believe.”
I look at the dark pulpit. “Tell me about it.”